noun
1. the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed or stretched; elasticity.
2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.
I had an interesting conversation the other day with a friend/life coach (www.mind-shifts.com) about resilience, and the role that it has played in my life. It was during this discussion that I had revealed to her some of the many events I've lived through in my life . . . and she was amazed at how resilient I've been able to be. I knew that I'd had to bounce back from much adversity, but I'd always thought "doesn't everyone?" And then I was reminded of a very recent event in one of my dearest friends' life where a family member's resilience was not strong enough to pull her from her problems. Maybe I have had more than my share of practice at being able to recover from life's events, so much so that I've taken this developed skill in my own life for granted . . .
Or maybe it's that I've always known to focus on the positive parts of life, more than the most difficult times. I'm not sure about having always known that, though. I do believe that it's been something that has necessarily developed along the way. Just for perspective's sake (and not because I enjoy dragging this stuff up) let me list some of the more stressful experiences I've endured (not in order): right from the start, I was born two and a half months after my father tragically passed away; I grew up feeling separate, alone and treated severely for my whole life after my mother remarried (age 2 1/2); I've had three painful divorces; suffered a miscarriage; had twin babies born early who then were in and out of hospitals for their first six months of life, with one having surgery on his head and skull at five months old; suffered having one beautiful stepdaughter killed in a car accident at 16; had a home literally blown away in a micro-burst (mini-tornado) while my husband was in it; have been arrested after someone close to me used my identity illegally and broke the law; was the main source of support for a family member who went through rehab; had a car stolen the night after moving into a new home; had an apartment burn down exactly one week after moving my family in; survived an abusive and violent marriage; returned to college to complete my degree and teaching license in four years with no money, no home, and no career while being a newly-divorced single mom who had always stayed at home to raise kids; stood up to a rural school board who didn't like having a strong-willed "city" woman at their school; have very distant family-of-origin ties; and several other events too personal to list. Yes, there have been a lot of terrible circumstances, but it's only when I begin to list them out that I even give the idea that I've had to be resilient any thought. But let me say right here and now ---- I thank God that I've been able to recoup after each and every event. And while recovering through the fallout of these occurrences is sometimes worse than the actual incident, this has all factored into the person I have become today, which is a centered, loving, happy woman.
Now, why was I focusing on the whole idea of resilience in the first place? As has been chronicled in this blog, about six months ago I began a journey into making myself into a better person. I was on a roll, and was quite proud of the changes I'd made in my life. Part of my decision to take on that task was due to choosing to end a certain time of my life, and in some respects, the beginning of a new road I was traveling down. It was exciting and I felt fantastically successful . . . until that road abruptly developed an obstacle that was seemingly too large to circumvent. Another event from which to bounce back. But really it was a time to refocus, recenter and get through the roadblock to move forward again. And I have done just that, with a vengeance. In a remarkably short amount of time I'd dug deep to find myself, worked to be even better at being me, and am now at the best place I've ever been in my life!
Part of building on the capacity to be resilient has been how that has effected my kids, and the development of their own resiliency. They, too, endured much of the above-listed events, unfortunately, along with several other tragedies along the way. But their strength is astonishing, and they have each weathered their own set-backs so incredibly well. Along with other remarkable events in their lives, Jeff was signed to pitch in the Boston Red Sox organization right out of college, only to be sent home because his shoulder wouldn't pass the physical; Justin had tremendous talent as a catcher, but had to walk away from baseball while still playing in college; and Jillian has now graduated with a degree that can't get her a job in this economy, despite her amazing resume and background. Yet each of them have the faith and the ability to look beyond the immediacy of their dire situations and continue moving forward. I am so proud of who they each have become, and their own personal levels of resiliency they've displayed. They are amazing people, and I know that they will pass along this to their children in the future, too.
I have to say that it probably would be easy to look at my life and say "geez, give it up already!" and just wallow in self-pity for awhile. That's absolutely not my style, and I would hope that things never get to a point when I would possibly think that. I am so blessed to have had the other wonderful events in my life along the way: I've had three of the very best people bless my life, each born to me in incredible ways; I have gotten a bachelor's and a master's degree in a career I am quite good at and that I very much enjoy; I have so very many beautiful, wonderful friends whom I love and who love me; I have my home I am proud to own; I am mother-in-law to a fabulous woman; I have a love of life and curiousity for things yet unknown; I have a strong and steady relationship with God whose love is never-ending and unconditional; I have touched the lives of kids in many parts of Colorado and who still are happy to see/hear from Ms. Harbert; I have a heart that loves and is open to love; and I have the best fat-cat in the world! And things are still continuing down a very positive path. Weighing the good against the bad, I'm happy to say that my life is good . . . . no, my life is wonderful.
Am I done having to be resilient? No, I'm sure I'm not . . . but I have the ability to use that skill well, and more importantly, I know that there will also continue to be phenomenally awesome times to focus on instead!!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
wholeness
adjective
1. pertaining to all aspects of human nature, esp. one's physical, intellectual, and spiritual development
2. not broken, damaged, or impaired; intact
3. containing all the elements properly belonging; complete
So, I've been doing a lot of heavy-ish reading these days, and I keep running across the same idea, that in order to be your happiest and emotionally healthiest, you need to be approaching life from a whole person perspective. Odd, I'm thinking, because I'm not sure if I would be considered whole, even though I'm not missing anything . . . at least not anything of major importance . . . am I? Is that what it means to be "whole," that all components are within? Could some of my recent happenings be because I wasn't complete, I wasn't whole?
I dove into this idea of finding out if I would be considered "whole" or not with a vengeance. First of all, I wanted to know if I needed to be "whole." Did being whole mean that I would have no flaws in my personality or character? Would it mean that I would have everything about being a good person figured out already? Would it mean that I was lacking in some way if I wasn't whole? So many questions . . . So I charted it out for myself. I started with the idea that to be a person of wholeness I would need a healthy balance of physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual sides of myself. I decided on three columns for my chart to help with the process. Column 1: What traits do I have that I consider to be consistent with "wholeness?" This column had about 25 items, of which I could easily find within myself. The second column listed elements that I'm not entirely sure contribute to what makes a person "whole," and there were four things listed here. Then the third column listed items that I don't believe factor into what makes a person "whole," and there were five points here. When I looked at this chart, I realized that on paper I appeared to have a lot of balance and wholeness in myself. I pondered over these three columns, contemplating on whether something was missing (sort of like I was doing within myself!), but settled on my chart the way it was, since I had included what I thought was important to defining what wholeness.
A friend of mine has done so much inner work through her yoga teachings, so I probed her thinking on this a bit, first asking if she believed herself to be whole, to which she said she does. She helped me deduce that what I had come up with in my chart was on the mark, and when I said that I believed that I AM whole, she agreed, (whew!) congratulating me on doing this difficult work. She has had the opportunity to work through a lot of these types of areas with her yoga studies, and we talked about how most people don't really delve into this learning all that deeply overall, unless through therapy. My reason for doing this work and this thinking is because I have experienced a bit of a tailspin, wondering just what wasn't "right" with me overall, and what could be missing within myself to be where I was, at that moment. But what a fabulous occasion to take on this thinking, and to dive deeply into finally (at my age!) fully realizing who I am, and celebrating that, too, along the way! What a terrific realization it's been!!!
In addition, I believe that being whole doesn't mean that I've got it all together every moment of every day. To me, it means that on a consistent basis I approach the different aspects of my life through the lens of wholeness, and that if I had some areas that were really weak within, the balance of being able to handle those conditions would be off, leading to extreme emotional imbalance. I am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but neither am I drastically flawed in any facet of my character. I have areas that are continuing to grow, and knowledge that I'm constantly uncovering. And I pray that I will always approach life this way. I will forever have room to grow. But in the end, I am as complete as I need to be at this time in my life, given that I'm here, walking with Grace, going through what life brings me with God at my side.
Not too long ago I was reading a book called Happy For No Reason, by Marci Shimoff, and I shared with my friends that by identifying what happiness is, I was realizing that I'm a lot happier than I thought I was! It's much the same with this thinking on wholeness. Though I felt pretty complete, I was worried that I did have something "missing" within, that I wasn't approaching life with a healthy and whole heart and soul, but after itemizing these things out, and believing that I could trust my own feelings, I realize I AM quite whole, after all!!! It comes down to being aware of what something truly IS, and then trusting yourself to know you either have it, or need to work on it. I love that I've come to so many wonderful revelations in this new year!!
I absolutely love my life and where and who I am!!
1. pertaining to all aspects of human nature, esp. one's physical, intellectual, and spiritual development
2. not broken, damaged, or impaired; intact
3. containing all the elements properly belonging; complete
So, I've been doing a lot of heavy-ish reading these days, and I keep running across the same idea, that in order to be your happiest and emotionally healthiest, you need to be approaching life from a whole person perspective. Odd, I'm thinking, because I'm not sure if I would be considered whole, even though I'm not missing anything . . . at least not anything of major importance . . . am I? Is that what it means to be "whole," that all components are within? Could some of my recent happenings be because I wasn't complete, I wasn't whole?
I dove into this idea of finding out if I would be considered "whole" or not with a vengeance. First of all, I wanted to know if I needed to be "whole." Did being whole mean that I would have no flaws in my personality or character? Would it mean that I would have everything about being a good person figured out already? Would it mean that I was lacking in some way if I wasn't whole? So many questions . . . So I charted it out for myself. I started with the idea that to be a person of wholeness I would need a healthy balance of physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual sides of myself. I decided on three columns for my chart to help with the process. Column 1: What traits do I have that I consider to be consistent with "wholeness?" This column had about 25 items, of which I could easily find within myself. The second column listed elements that I'm not entirely sure contribute to what makes a person "whole," and there were four things listed here. Then the third column listed items that I don't believe factor into what makes a person "whole," and there were five points here. When I looked at this chart, I realized that on paper I appeared to have a lot of balance and wholeness in myself. I pondered over these three columns, contemplating on whether something was missing (sort of like I was doing within myself!), but settled on my chart the way it was, since I had included what I thought was important to defining what wholeness.
A friend of mine has done so much inner work through her yoga teachings, so I probed her thinking on this a bit, first asking if she believed herself to be whole, to which she said she does. She helped me deduce that what I had come up with in my chart was on the mark, and when I said that I believed that I AM whole, she agreed, (whew!) congratulating me on doing this difficult work. She has had the opportunity to work through a lot of these types of areas with her yoga studies, and we talked about how most people don't really delve into this learning all that deeply overall, unless through therapy. My reason for doing this work and this thinking is because I have experienced a bit of a tailspin, wondering just what wasn't "right" with me overall, and what could be missing within myself to be where I was, at that moment. But what a fabulous occasion to take on this thinking, and to dive deeply into finally (at my age!) fully realizing who I am, and celebrating that, too, along the way! What a terrific realization it's been!!!
In addition, I believe that being whole doesn't mean that I've got it all together every moment of every day. To me, it means that on a consistent basis I approach the different aspects of my life through the lens of wholeness, and that if I had some areas that were really weak within, the balance of being able to handle those conditions would be off, leading to extreme emotional imbalance. I am not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but neither am I drastically flawed in any facet of my character. I have areas that are continuing to grow, and knowledge that I'm constantly uncovering. And I pray that I will always approach life this way. I will forever have room to grow. But in the end, I am as complete as I need to be at this time in my life, given that I'm here, walking with Grace, going through what life brings me with God at my side.
Not too long ago I was reading a book called Happy For No Reason, by Marci Shimoff, and I shared with my friends that by identifying what happiness is, I was realizing that I'm a lot happier than I thought I was! It's much the same with this thinking on wholeness. Though I felt pretty complete, I was worried that I did have something "missing" within, that I wasn't approaching life with a healthy and whole heart and soul, but after itemizing these things out, and believing that I could trust my own feelings, I realize I AM quite whole, after all!!! It comes down to being aware of what something truly IS, and then trusting yourself to know you either have it, or need to work on it. I love that I've come to so many wonderful revelations in this new year!!
I absolutely love my life and where and who I am!!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
reflection
noun
a fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration
and
an image; representation; counterpart
Big surprise . . . I'm in a reflective place at the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009. Those who know me well aren't the least bit surprised at this. They know that I tend to over think and over-analyze everything, pretty much all of the time. But this time the reflection is a little bit different. I'm not just looking back and deciding what I need to improve upon or work at in 2009. No, this reflection is more about the type of reflection that results from looking into a mirror . . . where my question is: When I look at myself, is what is being reflected back out of the mirror truly who I am?
The year 2008 has been a huge twelve month period for me. It was a time for change, in my job, in my personal life, in my desire to take better care of myself, and in my attitude. And there was A LOT of change. I changed my job and school districts, taking a pretty huge risk and a change in pay. I made some strong decisions in my personal life that were both sad and difficult, and amazing and new. I grew more accustomed to living alone in my fully empty nest, with everyone having moved on in their lives. I started exercising to help me mentally and physically. I became stronger and perhaps more independent while watching and supporting close friends as they ended decades-long marriages, resolving to not grow bitter and cynical about commitment and marriage. I forgave myself, and others, for difficult situations in my life, and allowed my heart to open again with hope and possibility. And I decided that it was time I be grateful for who I am, what my life offers me, and the knowledge that God has continually been beside me, and has taught me to make good choices . . . and to learn from the consequences for the decisions I have had trouble with. Somewhere about mid-year I realized just how I take so much for granted . . . and I made a concentrated and focused effort to have an attitude of gratitude for everything in my life.
But, the best of intentions . . . Somewhere along the line that attitude became a little more elusive, I'm sorry to say. I walk nearly everyday, for somewhere between 4 and 6 miles, and I start my walk off with gratitudes --- being thankful for a laundry list of things I had to be grateful for each day, from the beautiful weather, to my children's happenings, to my personal life . . . and it felt so good (and right) to be saying "thanks." As the seasons changed, though, I realized that my gratitude list became more hurried, and my list of current dilemmas that I wanted to talk about grew more urgent, when now I can clearly see how it should have been the opposite! I was, and am, still so grateful for everything in and everyday of my life, but rather than continue to focus more heavily on being thankful, I focused on the struggles . . . to the point that when I recently saw a dear friend of mine, he asked what had happened, to change where I'd been in late summer, when I had been exuding happiness and a lightness in my being, to the place I was at in my life that day.
Great question.
I definitely took my eye off the ball. I let the minutiae of life consume me, taking me from the positive, risk-taking, daredevil of a confident woman, to the woman who now was more unsure and insecure than I'd been in a very long time. What had happened?
Being true to form, I got online and requested books from the library, checking out volumes on happiness and confidence and self-improvement and grace and intention . . . and I realized that while I might have fallen off of the track lately, I hadn't abandoned my true self. I'm still here . . . and I wanted ME back. Thank goodness that a booster shot of reading and praying and reminders from dear friends can get the train rolling down the right track again. And just last night, another great friend noted on how happy I seem, and how good I look, and how it's the best she's seen me in years.
Were it only as simple as reading some pages and reflecting on the past. It isn't. There have been hurtful times, and a redirection of my life, and the holidays (which are always hard for me!) . . . but couldn't I be grateful for each of those things too? Couldn't I take the unique opportunity to learn from these events, in order to continue to grow . . . and also show gratitude? With two weeks of not working ahead of me, and plenty of time for reading and writing, the occasion to become introspective and appreciative couldn't have happened at a better moment. And so I dug in, got down and dirty, and did the work. And I'm so glad that I did. I have had some revolutionary discoveries . . . which have me shaking my head at how far off the mark I've been . . . but knowing that I can make things right again.
What I've realized the most, however, is that I am so incredibly grateful for every type of relationship in my life, and how the nurturing and nourishing I need to do with these relationships is so important. The selfishness I have displayed to my friends and my children at different times of this year --- I'm embarrassed at my behavior. As if they should be showering me with gratitude at the fact that I am in their lives. What???? I've acted as though when I am having a hard time they should be the ones to build me back up, when in reality it is up to me to find the courage and the joy that brings it all back together for myself, which, thankfully, wasn't buried too deeply for me to recover. And I remember, now, that life moves fast enough, thank you very much, and I mustn't hurry the process along. I need to be happy and content with what every day brings to me, and the speed at which it is delivered, and that I will appreciate and be grateful for the opportunity to have these relationships . . . and I don't need to push, drive, pressure, or control things, nor do I need others to deliver me through the muck. I have a guiding light, for which I'm grateful, who will teach me how to do that for myself, in order to fully love and appreciate and nourish the important people in my life just for who they are, and not for what they've done for me. I am grateful for these people, these relationships . . . and so blessed to have such loving and caring people in my life.
So while the reflection in the mirror might have been hazy for a bit, it's clear and bright and portraying the true gratitude and hope that I live with in my heart. And it's about time that happen again!!!! Here's to 2009!
a fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration
and
an image; representation; counterpart
Big surprise . . . I'm in a reflective place at the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009. Those who know me well aren't the least bit surprised at this. They know that I tend to over think and over-analyze everything, pretty much all of the time. But this time the reflection is a little bit different. I'm not just looking back and deciding what I need to improve upon or work at in 2009. No, this reflection is more about the type of reflection that results from looking into a mirror . . . where my question is: When I look at myself, is what is being reflected back out of the mirror truly who I am?
The year 2008 has been a huge twelve month period for me. It was a time for change, in my job, in my personal life, in my desire to take better care of myself, and in my attitude. And there was A LOT of change. I changed my job and school districts, taking a pretty huge risk and a change in pay. I made some strong decisions in my personal life that were both sad and difficult, and amazing and new. I grew more accustomed to living alone in my fully empty nest, with everyone having moved on in their lives. I started exercising to help me mentally and physically. I became stronger and perhaps more independent while watching and supporting close friends as they ended decades-long marriages, resolving to not grow bitter and cynical about commitment and marriage. I forgave myself, and others, for difficult situations in my life, and allowed my heart to open again with hope and possibility. And I decided that it was time I be grateful for who I am, what my life offers me, and the knowledge that God has continually been beside me, and has taught me to make good choices . . . and to learn from the consequences for the decisions I have had trouble with. Somewhere about mid-year I realized just how I take so much for granted . . . and I made a concentrated and focused effort to have an attitude of gratitude for everything in my life.
But, the best of intentions . . . Somewhere along the line that attitude became a little more elusive, I'm sorry to say. I walk nearly everyday, for somewhere between 4 and 6 miles, and I start my walk off with gratitudes --- being thankful for a laundry list of things I had to be grateful for each day, from the beautiful weather, to my children's happenings, to my personal life . . . and it felt so good (and right) to be saying "thanks." As the seasons changed, though, I realized that my gratitude list became more hurried, and my list of current dilemmas that I wanted to talk about grew more urgent, when now I can clearly see how it should have been the opposite! I was, and am, still so grateful for everything in and everyday of my life, but rather than continue to focus more heavily on being thankful, I focused on the struggles . . . to the point that when I recently saw a dear friend of mine, he asked what had happened, to change where I'd been in late summer, when I had been exuding happiness and a lightness in my being, to the place I was at in my life that day.
Great question.
I definitely took my eye off the ball. I let the minutiae of life consume me, taking me from the positive, risk-taking, daredevil of a confident woman, to the woman who now was more unsure and insecure than I'd been in a very long time. What had happened?
Being true to form, I got online and requested books from the library, checking out volumes on happiness and confidence and self-improvement and grace and intention . . . and I realized that while I might have fallen off of the track lately, I hadn't abandoned my true self. I'm still here . . . and I wanted ME back. Thank goodness that a booster shot of reading and praying and reminders from dear friends can get the train rolling down the right track again. And just last night, another great friend noted on how happy I seem, and how good I look, and how it's the best she's seen me in years.
Were it only as simple as reading some pages and reflecting on the past. It isn't. There have been hurtful times, and a redirection of my life, and the holidays (which are always hard for me!) . . . but couldn't I be grateful for each of those things too? Couldn't I take the unique opportunity to learn from these events, in order to continue to grow . . . and also show gratitude? With two weeks of not working ahead of me, and plenty of time for reading and writing, the occasion to become introspective and appreciative couldn't have happened at a better moment. And so I dug in, got down and dirty, and did the work. And I'm so glad that I did. I have had some revolutionary discoveries . . . which have me shaking my head at how far off the mark I've been . . . but knowing that I can make things right again.
What I've realized the most, however, is that I am so incredibly grateful for every type of relationship in my life, and how the nurturing and nourishing I need to do with these relationships is so important. The selfishness I have displayed to my friends and my children at different times of this year --- I'm embarrassed at my behavior. As if they should be showering me with gratitude at the fact that I am in their lives. What???? I've acted as though when I am having a hard time they should be the ones to build me back up, when in reality it is up to me to find the courage and the joy that brings it all back together for myself, which, thankfully, wasn't buried too deeply for me to recover. And I remember, now, that life moves fast enough, thank you very much, and I mustn't hurry the process along. I need to be happy and content with what every day brings to me, and the speed at which it is delivered, and that I will appreciate and be grateful for the opportunity to have these relationships . . . and I don't need to push, drive, pressure, or control things, nor do I need others to deliver me through the muck. I have a guiding light, for which I'm grateful, who will teach me how to do that for myself, in order to fully love and appreciate and nourish the important people in my life just for who they are, and not for what they've done for me. I am grateful for these people, these relationships . . . and so blessed to have such loving and caring people in my life.
So while the reflection in the mirror might have been hazy for a bit, it's clear and bright and portraying the true gratitude and hope that I live with in my heart. And it's about time that happen again!!!! Here's to 2009!
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