reflection

noun

a fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration
and
an image; representation; counterpart

Big surprise . . . I'm in a reflective place at the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009. Those who know me well aren't the least bit surprised at this. They know that I tend to over think and over-analyze everything, pretty much all of the time. But this time the reflection is a little bit different. I'm not just looking back and deciding what I need to improve upon or work at in 2009. No, this reflection is more about the type of reflection that results from looking into a mirror . . . where my question is: When I look at myself, is what is being reflected back out of the mirror truly who I am?

The year 2008 has been a huge twelve month period for me. It was a time for change, in my job, in my personal life, in my desire to take better care of myself, and in my attitude. And there was A LOT of change. I changed my job and school districts, taking a pretty huge risk and a change in pay. I made some strong decisions in my personal life that were both sad and difficult, and amazing and new. I grew more accustomed to living alone in my fully empty nest, with everyone having moved on in their lives. I started exercising to help me mentally and physically. I became stronger and perhaps more independent while watching and supporting close friends as they ended decades-long marriages, resolving to not grow bitter and cynical about commitment and marriage. I forgave myself, and others, for difficult situations in my life, and allowed my heart to open again with hope and possibility. And I decided that it was time I be grateful for who I am, what my life offers me, and the knowledge that God has continually been beside me, and has taught me to make good choices . . . and to learn from the consequences for the decisions I have had trouble with. Somewhere about mid-year I realized just how I take so much for granted . . . and I made a concentrated and focused effort to have an attitude of gratitude for everything in my life.

But, the best of intentions . . . Somewhere along the line that attitude became a little more elusive, I'm sorry to say. I walk nearly everyday, for somewhere between 4 and 6 miles, and I start my walk off with gratitudes --- being thankful for a laundry list of things I had to be grateful for each day, from the beautiful weather, to my children's happenings, to my personal life . . . and it felt so good (and right) to be saying "thanks." As the seasons changed, though, I realized that my gratitude list became more hurried, and my list of current dilemmas that I wanted to talk about grew more urgent, when now I can clearly see how it should have been the opposite! I was, and am, still so grateful for everything in and everyday of my life, but rather than continue to focus more heavily on being thankful, I focused on the struggles . . . to the point that when I recently saw a dear friend of mine, he asked what had happened, to change where I'd been in late summer, when I had been exuding happiness and a lightness in my being, to the place I was at in my life that day.

Great question.

I definitely took my eye off the ball. I let the minutiae of life consume me, taking me from the positive, risk-taking, daredevil of a confident woman, to the woman who now was more unsure and insecure than I'd been in a very long time. What had happened?

Being true to form, I got online and requested books from the library, checking out volumes on happiness and confidence and self-improvement and grace and intention . . . and I realized that while I might have fallen off of the track lately, I hadn't abandoned my true self. I'm still here . . . and I wanted ME back. Thank goodness that a booster shot of reading and praying and reminders from dear friends can get the train rolling down the right track again. And just last night, another great friend noted on how happy I seem, and how good I look, and how it's the best she's seen me in years.

Were it only as simple as reading some pages and reflecting on the past. It isn't. There have been hurtful times, and a redirection of my life, and the holidays (which are always hard for me!) . . . but couldn't I be grateful for each of those things too? Couldn't I take the unique opportunity to learn from these events, in order to continue to grow . . . and also show gratitude? With two weeks of not working ahead of me, and plenty of time for reading and writing, the occasion to become introspective and appreciative couldn't have happened at a better moment. And so I dug in, got down and dirty, and did the work. And I'm so glad that I did. I have had some revolutionary discoveries . . . which have me shaking my head at how far off the mark I've been . . . but knowing that I can make things right again.

What I've realized the most, however, is that I am so incredibly grateful for every type of relationship in my life, and how the nurturing and nourishing I need to do with these relationships is so important. The selfishness I have displayed to my friends and my children at different times of this year --- I'm embarrassed at my behavior. As if they should be showering me with gratitude at the fact that I am in their lives. What???? I've acted as though when I am having a hard time they should be the ones to build me back up, when in reality it is up to me to find the courage and the joy that brings it all back together for myself, which, thankfully, wasn't buried too deeply for me to recover. And I remember, now, that life moves fast enough, thank you very much, and I mustn't hurry the process along. I need to be happy and content with what every day brings to me, and the speed at which it is delivered, and that I will appreciate and be grateful for the opportunity to have these relationships . . . and I don't need to push, drive, pressure, or control things, nor do I need others to deliver me through the muck. I have a guiding light, for which I'm grateful, who will teach me how to do that for myself, in order to fully love and appreciate and nourish the important people in my life just for who they are, and not for what they've done for me. I am grateful for these people, these relationships . . . and so blessed to have such loving and caring people in my life.

So while the reflection in the mirror might have been hazy for a bit, it's clear and bright and portraying the true gratitude and hope that I live with in my heart. And it's about time that happen again!!!! Here's to 2009!