trust

verb (used with an object)

to believe
to expect confidently; hope
rely or depend on

This week was the annual outdoor education trip that I've had to take for about eight years of my teaching career. This is when students are taken on an experiential learning trip to the mountains, staying between one and three nights at a camp. When I changed districts this year I wasn't supposed to attend the one-night trip, but as it turned out I did attend --- though I'm happy to say that I won't have to do it again next year. I will say that it's fun to see the kids learning in a totally different environment, and it's great to be out in the Colorado high country --- but only for a short amount of time with sixty 10-year-olds!

On the way to the camp the bus my homeroom class was in slid off of the freshly-plowed road, into the ditch -- and putting the bus on a slight tilt to the left, threatening to collide into the hill. As an adult I realized that we weren't likely to tip further onto our side, but I wasn't absolutely sure we wouldn't be sliding further down and into the rocks along the hillside. It was an uneasy feeling, but I did trust that we would be fine. However, the 30 kids on the bus weren't as sure, and several were quite scared and in tears. Knowing that my calm demeanor and approach to the situation would be pivotal in helping the kids divert their attention, I rapidly made up a game for us to focus on --- similar to the car games my kids and I would play when they were younger --- and almost immediately the fear and anxiety that the kids were feeling subsided. They now had their trust in me, and in my reassurance that everything would be fine. We were pulled back onto the road, the tires where chained, and forty-five minutes later we arrived at the camp, the day proceeding as it was supposed to.

Over the past months, I, like my students on the bus, have needed some reassurance that the difficulties I was undergoing would be fine, and that my decision-making skills were on track. During my power walks, when I think, pray, and attempt to problem-solve, I've come up with a sort of "mantra" that I use to refocus my efforts --- "Trust the Process." I say it to myself when I'm confused, when I don't understand my relationships, when I am unsure of the choices I'm making --- when I just need to know that I'm not in this life all alone. I've shared the saying with others, and they inevitably ask what it means. At different times and in different situations it can mean slightly different things, but overall I believe it means that I can trust that a greater being, God, is ultimately designing and guiding my life, and that every step on that journey is purposeful and necessary for me to take. I trust that it will all have a reason, in the end.

Maintaining that trust is not exactly easy for a single, independent, growth-oriented woman. I should be able to fix what needs to be fixed, right? Realistically, no, I can't always fix it. I can't control what happens to me, nor can I control anything about the people in my life, but I "trust the process" when I do make decisions about my life, even when everyone around me thinks those decisions are wrong. I did "trust the process" in my move to a new job. I also had to "trust the process" in my personal life, making choices that required a lot of faith in that trust. I "trust the process" in thinking about my future, and in waking up each morning with a positive outlook and the openness of taking it all on with full-force. I do, naturally, question these steps, these decisions, and these outcomes . . . but I have to believe that there are reasons for each event, and that while I may not understand the "why" behind what is happening, I trust that I'll learn the lesson that's intended, go down the road I need to be on, and will end up where I am supposed to be eventually.

I wonder how people who don't have a "trust" in a supreme being manage their difficulties. From where does their hope stem? How do they not emotionally beat themselves up for choices that haven't worked out for their best? How would they approach anything with positivity? In my past there were times when I was so low that I could see glimpses of that type of a life, but with some reading, some thinking, and some help I have been able to avoid that way of thinking for any prolonged time. I DO have faith, I DO hope for a peace and a love, I DO believe that there will be answers to the "whys" . . . and I totally and completely Trust the Process along the way.